Falling Through Darkness Read online

  Even though I don’t want to open the message, I know I have to. I need to know if it’s him. While I have a restraining order against him in Europe, I don’t think it’s applicable here.

  Motherfucker.

  He can’t find out where I am…

  With trembling fingers, I open the message and my heart drops. My carefully constructed world explodes around me with a few choice words from the one person who knows all my weaknesses and insecurities. The one person who has the power to destroy me. who evokes my every nightmare.

  Hi love,

  How are you doing? I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t let yourself go. No one likes someone flabby and unhealthy, you know that.

  You need to tell me where you are, love. Please.

  C’mon, I miss you. I need you. You should be here, by my side. Not a place I can’t protect and take care of you. Who’ll watch out for you if not me? You know what happened in the past, you need me to take care of you. You’re too clumsy for your own good—we both know this.

  Look, I’m sorry about what happened, but it wasn’t my fault. They polluted your mind against me, I’d never do what they made you believe. You know I love you.

  But I need you to come back, love. Please…

  Dread pools in my stomach, and my heart starts to race. I’m afraid to look at the rest, dreading what will come next, knowing it will only get worse. He was good at this, making me feel bad in order to get me to do what he wanted. And turning into a scary asshole who isn’t afraid to use force to get me to do what he wants should I refuse. I take a breath, trying to gather my courage, before I keep scrolling.

  Do you bloody hear me? I’ve been trying to give you time and space, but I’m running out of patience with your little tantrum. You NEED to come back! NOW! Before I’m forced to come get you. You know I hate teaching you my lessons. You know how it ended last time.

  Come home today! I’m waiting…

  With one message, the floor is ripped out from underneath me. The only saving grace is the fact that he seems not to know where I am. Yet. Thoughts start to invade my consciousness. Am I safe? Can I trust the tranquility, the resemblance of peace I found here? Am I endangering everyone by being here? Can he find me? Has he already found me?

  The darkness—my constant companion for the last few months—that has mostly been absent for the last week swallows me whole. The waves are crashing over my head, drowning me, stealing my breath. I’m trapped in my memories, my past. Every minute of the hell he’s put me through. And the guilt, despite everything he did to me, the one thing that kills me is remembering what he did to my family. What I did to them.

  It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve to be happy while they had their life stolen from them.

  Visions of a car, twisted steel wrapped around a tree, the broken windshield splattered with blood fill my mind. Contorted bodies and lifeless eyes staring at me accusingly.

  I’m falling deeper into the abyss of darkness surrounding me, the black hole of my grief, guilt, self-loathing with no way to escape. I don’t deserve peace; this is the price I have to pay for living, for killing them. I don’t deserve the happiness I’ve felt this past week.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to banish the despondency. I don’t notice the tears running down my cheeks.

  Suddenly, my phone vibrates next to me on the floor twice in short order, causing me to jump. Telling myself he wouldn’t message me again so soon, I pick it up and see a message from Duncan on the locked screen. I can’t see more than Good morning, gorgeous, but it’s enough to jolt my mind out of the panic it’s started to drown in. It’s silly, I barely know him, but just seeing his text allows me to ground myself and calm my thoughts. Which is ludicrous. He doesn’t know who I really am. He doesn’t know the shit I’ve done, what I’m responsible for. If he did, he’d be running for the hills and be safer for it. He’d look at me with disgust and accusation, and I’d deserve it.

  I take a deep breath, concentrating on the rhythm, counting them like Oliver taught me. And slowly my breathing calms down and the darkness finally recedes.

  The way I can’t control my reaction to Duncan, even through a text message, would have freaked me out a week ago. For some reason, I know he won’t let anything happen to me; he’s not that type of man and has shown me so over the last couple days. He’s the protector type; you can see it from a mile away. Even though I won’t involve him—this is my problem—knowing he’d protect me if I asked him to is enough to give me the strength to push past the remaining tendrils of darkness trying to pull me back.

  I can’t let him win, not after everything that happened. Not after I’ve come so far.

  I unlock the screen on my phone and see his message once more, not having exited out of the messenger app. A chill runs down my back at the desperation so clearly noticeable. For a second, I wonder if more is going on than I know before I call myself an idiot. I delete the message and block the fake profile for good measure. Reminds me to stay off social media.

  I exit the app before I go to my text messages.

  With each word I read, the darkness recedes, making me smile instead. With a few simple words, Duncan brings back the happiness I experienced waking up this morning before I was reminded of the shit storm I left back home. Which shows just how much power he has over me; something that freaks me out, but for some strange reason also exhilarates me.

  It’s an intoxicating combination.

  Duncan:Good morning, gorgeous. I hope you slept well because I didn’t. I missed you in my arms, missed your soft skin underneath my hands, the quiet noises you make when you sleep. I missed waking up to your green eyes blazing with need.

  Duncan:Be ready by 1, babe. Remember, dress comfortably, sneakers you can walk in are preferred.

  His words drain the remaining tension from my body. Reminding me I have something, or someone, to distract me. Someone who cares, who makes me feel safe, and I’m determined to enjoy it as long as I can.

  Taking another deep breath, I shove the shit from my past into a vault in my mind, lock it, and throw away the key. I’m determined to forget what just happened and enjoy today. None of us ultimately knows what will happen tomorrow, and I’ve lived enough of my life in the past, looking over my shoulder terrified of what might follow me. I’m done being scared of my own shadow. I made myself a promise when I moved here to try and rebuild my life, to start living again—for my family and myself.

  And if today is all I get with Duncan, I’ll enjoy it. I’ll take what I want, what I’ve been craving for the last week and not think about what’s to come.

  Because something is coming my way, I can feel it. A storm. And I can’t do anything about it. I’m tired, so tired of running. I can’t do it anymore, not when I found a place I’m finally happy ever since I lost everything to my own stupid mistakes.

  It’s time I start fighting back.

  With a new resolve to push the darkness away and embrace the light and happiness Duncan brings me, I text him back, letting him know I’ll be ready.

  His response a second later is a kiss emoji. Even at twenty-eight, he’s mastered the way of flirting with emojis.

  Slowly getting up off the floor, I move to the coffee pot to grab myself some much-needed caffeine after what just happened.

  I can’t help myself though, I make a beeline for the front door on my way to take a shower to make sure it’s locked securely. I don’t want to take any chances today. Or ever.

  The rest of my morning is spent getting ready and working on some things for my classes next week. Being a teacher doesn’t mean you work nine-to-five and then be done with it. Most of us take work home every night, weekends, and vacation. While I try to get as much work done during the week as I can, it doesn’t always work. Especially now when I just started at a new school. We have a plan of study, sure, and I have my old lesson plans, as well as my predecessor’s, but they need to be reworked, as they aren’t tailored to the specifics of Americ
an schools. My choice of poetry has already garnered a few looks, no need to keep poking the bear just yet. Sure, this kind of thing has gotten me in some hot water in the past. But how could I have known just mentioning “Fanny Hill” would get me in trouble. In my defense, I didn’t actually expect my students to be interested, as it had been published in the seventeenth century. I was wrong though. But it’s not like I could prevent them from Googling it. Hell, they could Google that stuff themselves. But, I guess I was at fault for planting the seed in their heads.

  I lose myself in my work for the rest of the morning and effectively forget what happened. I’m so lost in what I’m doing my doorbell ringing startles me. Looking at the little clock on my computer screen, I’m surprised to see it’s already one o’clock.

  Shit!

  I’m still in yoga pants and a tank with no makeup and my hair in a knot on top of my head. Damn, I completely spaced out. I’m supposed to be ready by now.

  Saving my work, I slam the laptop closed and run to the door. I might be fairly sure it’s Duncan at the door, but after this morning, I’m not going to risk being caught off guard. I check the camera and see him stare at the front door. Smiling slightly at the unexpected feelings of desire and elation running through my body, I let him inside. Then I run to the bathroom to brush my teeth and run a brush through my hair before there’s a knock on my apartment door.

  I’m anxious while I hurry back out. I hate being late, especially for a date with Duncan. What if we had a reservation? Not knowing where we’re going only increases my anxiety.

  Unlocking the door, I start talking while turning around without sparing him a glance to head back toward my room. “I’m so sorry. I’m late! I got distracted by work. I’ll hurry. Make yourself at home.” The last part was shouted from my room.

  I strip the tank and my pants while walking to my closet for a pair of skinny jeans. The ones that make my ass look spectacular. I’m trying to decide what shirt to wear. He did say casual, but I still want to look good in it. I won’t be left at the door tonight with just a kiss if I can help it.

  I’m still debating on a top when I hear a rumbling voice behind me scaring me half to death. “I like the bra. Do the panties match?”

  I shriek and turn around in fright, losing my balance in the process and crashing into my closet door. “Fucking hell, you scared me.”

  Duncan is silent, standing in the doorway to my room, his gaze trained on my boobs. Smirking to myself, I remember the bra I put on this morning was the one that makes them look bigger than they actually are. Thank you, Victoria’s Secret. If the look on his face is anything to go by, it was definitely worth the money I spent.

  “You’ll just have to wait. Maybe, if you’re good, you’ll find out tonight,” I tease him. I’ve never been one to flirt, but I can’t help it with Duncan. He drives me crazy with need, and I want to make sure he feels the same.

  He’s still staring, so I take pity on him and turn to grab a top, not caring which one I end up wearing at this point.

  I move toward him. “I just need to put on makeup, and I’ll be ready. Sorry, I’m running behind.”

  He doesn’t move out of my way, causing me to stop in front of him. “Don’t worry, gorgeous. We have time, and it was well worth it with the show you just gave me.” He’s giving me a cocky grin—one I’ve never seen before. It’s full of promises I hope he’ll keep later tonight. Returning his smile, I make a shooing motion with my hands, telling him to get out of my way so I can get ready. Instead of moving out of the way, however, he grabs me around the waist and pulls me toward him until I collide with his body. Before I can make a sound of surprise, his lips connect with mine in a heated kiss.

  I move to the tips of my toes while my arms sneak around his neck, pressing my body as close to his as possible. I can feel his erection against my pelvis. Unable to help my body’s reaction to the proof of his attraction to me, and I rotate my hips, trying to find friction. Suddenly, my back connects with the wall, and I whimper. I have no idea how my legs ended up around his hips, but the friction this provides is heavenly.

  I’m utterly lost in our kiss and my need for him.

  Duncan unexpectedly breaks away; I’m too stunned to realize what’s happening. Shoving his face into my neck, he mutters a quiet, “Fuck.”

  I’m slowly coming out of the sexual haze he put me in with just a kiss. Panting like I’ve just run a marathon, I’m trying to get my body under control.

  “Shit, I need to change my panties.”

  My brain is still scrambled, so the silent shakes of his body take me by surprise. Is he laughing?

  “I just said that out loud, didn’t I?” I can feel his nod against my neck.

  Oops.

  Unwrapping my legs from around his hips, I slide down his body. The move causing both of us to groan.

  “Shit, babe. I promised you a proper date. This doesn’t include me fucking you before we even leave the apartment.”

  He trains his heated eyes on me, showing me without a doubt there is nothing he’d rather do than take me to bed right now, but he also made a promise and is intent on keeping it. I can’t really blame him for that.

  I smile at him. I might be turned on like I always am around him, maybe even more so right now, but I also appreciate him trying to treat me right. I haven’t been on a proper first date in years, and I’ve been looking forward to this all morning.

  “All right. Let me go get ready, and we’ll get out of here. Be away from the temptation of a bed.”

  Stepping away from me, he turns around and walks away before he mutters, “I’ll just wait in the living room for you.”

  I smile to myself and walk into the bathroom to finish getting ready. Looking at myself in the mirror, I stare for a minute. The woman looking back at me hasn’t been around in years. My green eyes are shining with something close to happiness; the dullness of the past four months, hell, the past four years, is gone. At least for now. Sure, if you look closely you can still see the shadows, the demons ever present within me, but there’s also hope.

  Is it real though? Or will me allowing this spark of hope to bloom come back and bite me in the ass?

  I don’t know, ultimately no one ever will, but what I do know, after everything, I’ll kick my own ass if I don’t at least take this chance with Duncan. As short-lived as it might turn out to be.

  I quickly apply my makeup. Some foundation, mascara, and deep, red lipstick, and hurry to the living room.

  Duncan is standing in front of the window, staring outside, seemingly lost in thought.

  “Hey, you ready?”

  Turning, he smiles at me before he replies, “Yeah. You look beautiful, by the way. In case my earlier display hasn’t already made that clear.” He chuckles to himself before he walks toward me. “C’mon, babe. Let’s go, we have places to be.” With that he steers me to my front door, waits for me to put on my Toms before he leads me out the door and to his car.

  ***

  We arrive at our destination about forty minutes after we left my place. Driving through Philadelphia’s inner city, Duncan points out the most famous attractions to me. Philadelphia is definitely beautiful and underrated, and I can’t wait to start exploring my new home. He shows me the Museum of Art with its legendary Rocky steps and Franklin Square before we crossed the Benjamin Franklin Bridge to New Jersey. I was confused by where we were going, but I trust him to do something fun.

  When he turns back toward the river, I’m even more confused. Curious, I start paying more attention to my surroundings when suddenly I see a sign for the aquarium.

  “Oh, my God! Are we going to the aquarium?” I clap excitedly.

  It might sound silly to some, but I’d take a unique, thoughtful date over an expensive dinner any day of the week. The dinner might be delicious in the moment, and fun, but it’s not how memories are made. Being outside, exploring the world are the things I’ll remember when I’m old and gray.

  He spar
es me a glance before he pulls into a parking spot close to the entrance. “I take it you like the idea?” I can hear the laughter in his voice; it’s hard to miss since his whole body is shaking with his effort to hold in his laughter.

  “Like it? No.” I shoot him a beaming smile. “I love it. This is the best thing ever. I love aquariums. I went to Sea Life in London all the time. I love observing these majestic creatures I’d never even see otherwise. Though, not sharks; they freak me out. Their eyes are super creepy.”

  “Seriously? Out of every reason for sharks to freak you out you choose their eyes?”

  “Yeah, have you ever looked closely at their eyes? They’re beady and mean. Like any second they’ll attack you for no bloody reason.”

  “You’re a little crazy.” Laughing softly, he gets out of the car and moves around the front to my side. I’m busy grabbing my stuff and don’t notice what he’s doing until he opens my door, surprising me.

  “Uh, thanks,” I stammer while moving out of the car. It’s probably weird that him opening my door throws me off balance, but I’m not used to anyone doing this anymore. Hell, even my brother, who I loved to pieces and who was my hero in my darkest days, never opened the car door for his girlfriends. It’s just not something that’s done much anymore, I guess.

  “You’re welcome.”

  He throws his arm over my shoulders and steers me toward the entrance.

  I can’t help it, but I’m beyond excited for a day at the aquarium. I’ve always been fascinated with sea life. The ocean is a whole unexplored world for most of us. And it reminds me that there is so much more out there in the world, and that maybe my problems aren’t as terrible as they might seem.